My Winged Roots

eva.

2012-01-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

I stared at her through the gentle tears that were welling in my eyes. It was one of those moments I knew I must remember because it was special...somehow sacred. My cousin, the little one with the blue eyes and golden wheat hair, was whimpering and wincing in pain. It was the night before our journey through the sky back home; leaving as the new year came. Eva was lying on the bed asking for a back massage of sorts, when someone pressed her neck wrong. That's all it took to send her crying in paralyzing pain. I knew her muscles were weak and didn't hold her back in alignment properly, amongst other health ailments, but she had not encountered a "serious" injury since we arrived. I can still hear her voice through her whimpers and Corrie's explanation of her particular syndrome: "Basically...I'm fragile." Images of bubble wrap and gingerly pasted "handle-with-care" labels flashed thru my mind and all I wanted to do was hug and cradle her. After her brave attempts to keep us from worrying, to comfort her sorrowful sister, to discount her tears and the pain, and to not want to bother her mom at grandma's house (who would, according to her, "only cry"), I knew I was honored to witness this girl...this remarkable girl with the fragile body and strong heart. We carefully got her into bed, with her neck brace, and she restlessly attempted to find the best position. After ice...pillows...props for her knees...prayers..."brow-strokings"...cds...she told us how she felt like a queen. I informed her that her neck brace was once the fashion of the English queens of old, with a little more "neck frill." She laughed...and then cried because she laughed. Finally, we heard her uneven darling little sleep breathing.

Never have I met a girl quite like my Eva. Sacrificial, tender hearted and gentle, loving and gracious, joyful through adversity...the strongest of hearts. Although her body is frail, her character and heart is strong, because it seeks refuge and trusts in the One who fashioned it. Her adoration for Jesus has, thus far, shielded her from insecurities and discontentment that could foster bitterness and ingratitude. She understands in her weakness He is strong, and does not consider her ailment an excuse for entitlement. All is grace. Oh how the enemy would love to break and sprain her heart, the way the curse of sin has sprained her body. How he seeks to disable her trust and thwart her joy by turning her eyes to the "world" language...the language we see. It doesn't make sense that God would work through the small, foolish, broken, weakest...and the moment we think He can't, we've succumbed. His promises are inherited by those who rely on His strength, not their own...who truly believe He alone is sufficient and the fulfillment of life. That very evening she was telling me about another situation in which her plans fell thru, and she stated "You know what Andrea? I was really really sad...but then I was just reminded that all I need is Jesus." All I need is Jesus. She has learnt the key to contentment, the key to saving grace...the key to life. Cling to it, darling.

I will miss her. I will miss waking up to her in the next bed over telling me about living on the ranch in Montana, different horse breeds (I am completely inept upon that subject), saving babies, and Jesus. I will miss cozying up to books on tape and "awweing..." and sniffling at the same parts. I will miss practicing British accents with her and giving her hugs. This 22 year old soul could learn more of the language of the giggle-wimperer. The truster. The humble one.

my father.

2011-06-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

Today is for my father, the man who considered a whole day with us a treat and discovered every way to squeeze adventure out of it, the man who would tell us stories that coincided with his favorite music, the man who loved when I would sit on his knee or hold his hand, the man who took me on dates and splurged on me just because, the man who always invented games and took us on adventures, the man who rescues me when my car won't work in the middle of the night, the man who brought us up to think highly of goodness, truth, and beauty, the man who constantly prays for me and is always up for a long hearty discussion, the man who loves my stories and is proud of who I am, the man who invents terms for things and attaches sentimental value to movie quotes, the man who is the founder of all our traditions, the man who calls me endearing names of unique varieties, the man who trusts me and listens intently to my heart, the man who has a radar a mile thick and protects me from things I'm oblivious to, the man who always smiles and winks when he sees me, the man who tells me how beautiful I am often, the man who stayed up late to listen to the "book" I wrote and constantly encourages me to be an author, the man who makes the best lattes in the world, the man who loves to learn and loves to teach, the man who is brilliant and has the answer to most any question, the man who takes us on trips, the man who is active, athletic, and brave and enjoys the great outdoors, the man who pursues God's thoughts and craves to live righteously in His name, the man who loves and protects my mom, and the man who sacrifices himself daily to provide for his family.

Thank you, Dad, for setting about me pillars of security, for guiding me in the truth, and for pouring worth into my heart. Life would not be the same without you. Your love and attention, guidance and counsel, presence and stability, and joyfulness and grace have allowed me to blossom (and continue blossoming) into the woman God wants me to be. I'm so thankful to be your daughter and I hope, with all my heart, to be a blessing to you today and every day that you are mine.

my mother.

2011-05-08T00:52:00.000-07:00

Today is for my mother...the woman who stayed up nearly all night sewing a 'dress-up' dress for me, the woman who braided my hair and fluffed my bangs, the woman whose smile always greeted me when I woke up and blessed me before I went to bed, the woman who played competitive games and read enriching literature endlessly, the woman who took us on adventurous road trips, the woman who revels in traditions to celebrate the specialness of life, the woman who values my company and cherishes my heart, the woman who pursues heaven with reckless abandon, the woman who faithfully chronicled all our precious childhood moments in videos and photos, the woman who wrote me letters and journals of encouragement, the woman who taught me in patience when I wanted to give up, the woman who discovered new and inventive ways to teach us, the woman who makes yummy treats and watches fun movies with me, the woman who often fixes my heart when it's broken or situations out of my control, the woman who is practical, refreshingly organized and accomplished, the woman who takes me out on weekends alone, the woman who intently listens to my stories and takes joy in my accomplishments, the woman who is always hospitable and thoughtful to others, the woman who loves and honors my dad, and the woman who lifts me up in prayer and directs me to my heavenly Father.

Thank you for being my darling mother, the one who has gifted me with a scope of the world that is full and enriching, for pouring worth into my heart, and for loving me with a sacrificial love. It is because of you that I have the confidence to be the lady God desires, and it is by your example that I seek to grow in His grace. I'm so proud to be your daughter, and I hope with all my heart to be a blessing to you today and everyday that you are mine.

Man On Wire

2011-04-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

We watched this in Art class...exhilirating, mysterious, adventurous, and magical.

the hustle and bustle of celebration.

2011-04-03T12:56:00.001-07:00

God continues to freckle life with celebration! My little darlings, Kori and Elise, flew down from Spokane for spring break (as well as Kori's boyfriend Topher). On Tuesday Topher surprised Kori by proposing on the very hills she sought refuge in growing up. I could jump for GLEE I'm so happy! I'm also so happy he proposed to her in her home town, so I could help celebrate (yes, Topher, I know that was your whole purpose). Yes. My best friend and darling, Korena Apffel, will soon be married and titled Korena Webber! That sounds nice.

Life is so full of surprises, new beginnings, changes, and progressions. I remember many a wedding ceremony down our stairs in oversized, old, ripped, gowns and tattered veils, with little wilting daisies. I remember eating honeysuckle at the park while mocking our silly sisters. I remember sleeping together in the single top bunk of a cabin eagerly awaiting the hiking journey to follow. I remember laying in her tree fort as our hearts huddled around the mysteries of God. I remember grinding acorns into very nutritious "fairy food." I remember making crafts and writing stories. I remember attempting to sell flowers on her street. I remember planning for our own B&B, and actually making a cardboard model. I remember tea parties, long walks, photo shoots, and friendship rings. I remember imagining what our future husbands would be like and praying for them. And now she's marrying a fun, feisty, loving, leader who shares her adoration for coffee and bikes and her passion for Christ and His kingdom. Their wedding will be glorious, as will the start of their future together. I can not WAIT!

kids say the darndest things.

2011-01-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

Babysitting is therapeutic. Some things they say that brighten my world.

The Sahid girls...Abby (6) and Audrey ("free")
Abby (after we put paper flowers all over their dining room chandelier): "it looks soooo festive...it looks so festive...it looks SO festive...it's very festive" and finally the clincher "it's like the FESTIVAL came through town!"

Abby: "Andrea...guess what I am going to do...next... YEAR?!"
Me: "wow. that's a ways a way! What?"
Abby: "I'm going to help with the...mom...heart...CONFERENCE, passing out chocolates."
Me: "that is sooo exciting!"
Abby: *after endless giggles* "I KNOW! When mom told me that, I just felt SO big."

Audrey): "Andwea, if I get scawed can I cawl you?"
Me: "Yes, Audrey, you know you can always call me. But you have no reason to be scared, alright? So think happy things and just go to sleep..."
Audrey: "But what about Mr. Nigh?" *an alleged horse hater in an American girl doll book*, at this point she's totally milking it.
Me: "Sweetheart, he's not real, and he only hurts horses...not little girls..."
Abby (fully displaying that she is her older more "inquisitive" sister): "Actually he ca..."
Me: "Be quiet, abby."

Audrey: while videoing me tell a crazy story with their dolls
Me: "And they were running in the forest in the rain and Elizabeth fell down a hill *Ahhh*. Felicity runs to her rescue...'oh elizabeth it will be alright, the magic wood pecker will get us home soon...'"
Audrey: "I cant hold my hands stwaight anymore with the camewa. I'm tiwed."

My cousin Camila (6)
Me: "I'm thinking of something I like..."
Camila: "ME!!"

Camila: "When I grow up I want to ride a horse without a saddle into the middle of a beautiful garden. I want to bring some instruments in with me and play them in the garden."
Erica and I: "Who are you, child?!"

My little Coulombe munchins...Thompson (6) Owen (4) Calvin (2)
Thompson: I found her crying in bed after she broke the "special" hanging vase in the bathroom:
Me: "Why is it special Thompson?"
Thompson: "It's...ittt's.. the vaa*se *gasp* wee...hold our floooooowweers in!!!!!! ahhh...*gulp*"
Me externally: "Oh honey, mom loves you more than the vase and it will be alright...it was an accident."
Me internally, busting a gut: "yes, Thompson, that one was way more important than the 'vases' you don't hold flowers in."

Owen after picking me a flower: "Andarina, put it in youwr haiwr."
Me: "thank you, honey."
Owen: "Whoa. Its so beaoutiful...like a wedding."

Owen in his knight helmet and sword): "Andarina, youwr haiwr is so pwetty"
Me: "Aww...that's such a knightly thing to say."
Owen: "and you're eyes...and you're face."
Me internally: "can you just be mine?"

While playing Narnia in my back yard...we were in the sea and I was susan, owen was peter, and calvin was edmund
Me: "Ahhhh...Peter help me I'm falling."
Owen: "SUUUUUUUUUUSSSSAAAAAAAAN!! I'm COMING!"

Upon discovering a heart shaped chicken nugget at Wendys
Me: "I 'heart' you."
Owen: "I heawrt you."
Me: "I heart you."
Owen: "Well I HEAWRT YOOOOU!!!"
Me: "I heart you more."
Owen: *stumped at my grammer shift and struggling for a comback*
Me again: "I heart you most."
Owen: *finally locating the words* "Well I heart you one BILLION BADAGILLION!"

Jake (3)
Jake: "When you're downstaiwrs can you heawr me?"
Me: "Yes I can...goodnight I love you."
Jake: "I love you too..."
*half way down the stairs* "Cawn you heawr me?"
Me: "yes"
*all the way down the stairs*: "CAWN YOU HEAWR ME?"
Me: "YES I CAN!"

Thomas (7)
He wasn't feeling well
Me: "What's wrong Thomas?"
Thomas: "MY BONES ARE REALLY GROOOOOOOWING!!!"

Yeah...amazing. I love their ability to say what they're feeling without any worry or self consciousness. I love that when they're feeling big they just pop out and say "I feel big," and when they have a particular aesthetic interest in my curly hair one day, the tell me so honestly and freely, and I love that they are concerned with the shape of chicken nuggets. It's just wonderful, and the more I'm around them the more I want my soul to return to some of these pure ways...those aware, noticing, free, trusting ways. What darling parents they have to foster such innocence and to raise them in God honoring homes!

sibling pride.

2011-01-13T01:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight my brother came back beaming (or more like wilting) from his first day of debate tournament, at Concordia. He subtly told us that his presentation was hailed as the best one his partner had ever seen. YAY! He looked so cute.

And presently I am sitting up as merely one of the pillars of moral support for Erica as she waits for her 2:00 am ride to the airport, for her Torrey trip to Rome. I am so proud of her. Days of reading, preparing, shopping, packing, are finally paying off. She's fluttering around like a fretting butterfly, with jitters and a bout of anxiety. But we're all here, some of us drooping slightly on couches, for comic relief, to fill any gaps in her wardrobe with part of my own, and to simply enjoy the process of traveling anticipation. She will have so many adventures I can not wait to hear all about. Arrivederci Kiki!

looking down.

2011-01-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

i. can't. wait.

2011-01-06T21:02:00.000-08:00

My favorite book.

oh darling plump soul.

2011-01-04T22:19:00.001-08:00

The other night Katherine and I cozied up and watched Anne of Green Gables. As the long adventurous movie progressed, Anne's love for life, beauty, people, imagination, adventures, and home, embellished in a glorious tapestry. You found yourself loving her dearly...but why? It is often a question that I have asked myself. Who are we? I know I was made in the image of God, but does my soul "change" over time, and become "different" mes? Perhaps what makes up at least part of our quantifiable measurable "soul" are those things/beings that we love. They are somehow inwoven in us, forming our personhood and giving grounds for others to love us in return. We were designed to love. It seems quite natural to conclude that what we love makes us who we are, to some extent. Part of why you loved Anne is because she invested herself into so many wonderful things and through her you had a different picture of the world. She "drank" in the flowers, appreciated every sun-kissed blossom, valued people and their stories, and relished the moon. The more of God's creation you love, the more of it "plumpens" your soul, so to speak. Not only do you love her capacity to love, but the goodness and beauty she poured into her soul.

simple wisdom.

2011-01-04T21:44:00.001-08:00

I have so much swarming in my brain after my holidays and I will debrief when I collect my thoughts. In the meantime, I'm posting some old drafts of movie thoughts I never got around to posting.

Although Forrest Gump somehow, unknowingly, slips through the floor boards of my memory when asked my favorite movies, it is truly remarkable. The ability for Forrest to cling to the loyalties he established and carry out "the next task" with diligent fervor and simple obedience plucked at the strings of my heart. His ability to love others more than himself and so easily neglect self awareness, even when put in dire situations, convicts me. His "capacity," although smaller than someone with more intellectual capabilities, was full...and it was not burdened with a sense of fear.

Although being simple and mentally slow is considered a medical impediment (as it rightly is), I wonder if it is not a glimpse of what we should all be like, to a degree...glimpses of Adam and Eve before the knowledge of "good" and "evil." One Sunday, my pastor stated that it wasn't that the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was in itself bad (after all God possessed this knowledge and awareness), it was just too great a burden for humans in their capacities to bear in a manner they could, on their own, handle with wisdom and freedom. (Whether or not the fruit had anything to do with the actual sin or whether it was merely a medium through which their sin was expressed is a discussion for another day.) Forrest, and others like him, was not burdened with enough discernment to fear...he just lived. Each day was a blessing and each task was carried out with intriguing fervor. Although it is a movie, and in real life many frustrations would've arisen (he is still a fallen human), there is such a freeness to his limitations. To take an example from real life, a couple Sundays ago this simple boy ran up on stage during worship and raised his hands in adamant praise and he remained there for the duration of the worship. My first instinct was to feel embarrassed for him, and then I felt shame that I would ever be concerned with such things as a person's opinion of me worshiping my Creator...shame. The very thing Adam and Eve felt when their eyes were opened to their capacity for evil. Shame is how humans interact with each other and often with God.

So yes, God has given us minds for discernment, to enjoy the enlightenment they are able to unveil, and to glorify Him to the best of our abilities (we are called to love Him with our mind..it is a beautiful gift that has lead to many discoveries about the truth of the world that have, in turn, given us more reasons to glorify God. But sometimes I feel like we are not simple enough in our attitudes...we are too weighted down and concerned, bearing a burden we were never meant to bear in our own strength.

Sufjan Stevens - Holy, Holy, Holy

2010-12-30T23:41:00.000-08:00

dad's rescue

2010-12-19T23:34:00.000-08:00

I ran out of gas tonight after work, and sputtered to a halt. There I sat on the side of the road, in a dead car, with a near dead phone, in the pouring rain, at 11:00 pm. With the little battery I had, I called home and alerted the troops (some of which, were in bed), and was informed that Dad was on the way. All I could do was sit and listen to the rhythmic patter of the rain on the roof and the clicking of my lonesome emergency lights. It was a good time...a waiting time. I used it in silence, to slow my racing heart and mind down from finals, Christmas festivities, and regular busy-ness. I tried to listen to the whisper or, in this case, the "patter" God uses to communicate or convict. Amongst the humbling of my heart, the time of confession and silence, and the general recognition of the beautiful God I have in the glorious storminess of night, what was continually brought to my attention was just how marvelous it was to have a Daddy who would come without complaint in the middle of the night and in the pouring rain, to rescue me. It was symbol, so often forgotten, of how much God loves us....that He would send Jesus Christ into the rain and murkiness of sin to save us...that He loves us and wants us to wait on Him, and that He not only saves us, but comes when we call day by day. Dad showed up, greeted me with such warmth, as his truly valued daughter, and finagled the stupid plasticy gas thingy into my car. I know I irresponsibly let it run low, but he came when I called. That was beautiful.

morocco and spain in 4,000 pictures.

2010-12-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

on the brink.

2010-12-12T01:34:00.001-08:00

Tonight, or this morning, I just finished my last ASL paper and quiz, and am starting to hype up on the nerves of the finality of the coming week. I can. not. wait. I do find it discouraging, however, that at the beginning of the semester, when things are less heavily weighted, you have all sorts of energy and enthusiasm, and then at the end, when it is so blasted important, you are almost too tired and worn down to care.
This evening I stopped into a thrift store to begin the Christmas gift perusing process. I love gift giving. It is one of my faves. That balance between finding something they, and you, find delightful?...so riveting. Working at a place where endless glitter garbed angels and statues of arctic penguins are sold, makes me crave the traditional beauty of the past. Give me a fresh pine garland with cranberries, some stained glass candle holders, wonderful shaped cookie cutters, and unique tins...mmmmm, the practical, useful kind of beauty.
ps. are wide pants pase? because i just bought a pair.
sincerely,
the girl who's almost done with fall and can thus move onto winter merriness.

my lil peeps.

2010-12-10T11:43:00.001-08:00

Sunday I watched my lil chillins, Thompson, Owen, and Calvin. I was feeling a touch of a sore throat and told Taylore it would be a lay low kind of day, and it very well was. As it trickled dreary hues of colors outside, Thompson and I cuddled in her bed with a movie. The boys crept in after their naps, and I soon found myself snuggled in with little sweaty, soft, post-napping munchins on my lap and all about me. I love that groggy, calm, reserved state children are in when they just wake up (if they're not whiny). After a day of hot chocolate in sippy cups, random bows placed in my hair by Thompson, and a quick glorious romp outside on the trampoline in the rain, I brushed their hair, scrubbed their lil faces, found their shoes, cleaned off their clothes, and handed them over to Grammy for a night of performing on stage at their evening Christmas service. Thank you, dearies, for making me feel better.

folkie love.

2010-12-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night was the unveiling of Biola's first folk ensemble. Delicious, enriching, warm...all good words.

merry winter.

2010-12-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

by cerloz http://www.flickr.com/photos/cerlo/4356572713/

lulu and the lampshades.

2010-11-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

i love this...so. much.

new cousin!

2010-10-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

What can I say? She's lovely, charming, and sweet, loves Jesus, art, and...Tristan. Welcome to the family Megan! I am also quite excited for the road trip up to Canada for the wedding...

(photos by Tristan Zastrow http://www.facebook.com/zastronaut)

of late...

2010-10-25T18:27:00.001-07:00

Lately I've come to realize how much fellowship goes on around food! It is such a unifier. I've also come to realize how refining and exhilarating the people in my life are. Thank you for that, dear ones. Also...that I love my house, my piano under the bottle ladled window pane, the cozy inviting couches, the fire pit in the backyard, the high paned windows that frame rainy weather perfectly, and my hole in the wall bed room. And lastly, I can't get enough of Thompson, Owen, and Calvin when they come over to "Andarina's" house to spend a couple hours in my "Narnian" back yard. That's all for now...

the best time of day.

2010-10-02T21:44:00.001-07:00

My favorite time of day is the turning point from day to evening, when the sun is dappling through the windows in warm golden tones...

sister night.

2010-09-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

We made scones with devonshire cream to celebrate our sisterhood with our two dear sistered friends...and then we delved into the nostalgic sentiments of the past with Little Women. It was a charming night...a necessary night.

Scones:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 tbsp (or so) cup cinnamon (opt.)
8 tbsp unsalted butter (chilled or frozen)
1/2 cup raisins, nuts, chocolate chips, apricots etc. (opt.)
1/2 cup sour cream
1 large egg

1) preheat oven 400 degrees
2) mix dry ingredients and then grate butter into the mixture. Use your fingers to work into butter. At this point you can include the raisins, chocolate chips, nuts etc, if you so choose.
3) in a separate bowl whisk sour cream and egg until smooth.
4) Using a fork, stir sour cream mixture into flour mixture until large dough clumps form. Use your hands to press the dough against the bowl into a ball.
5) Place on a lightly floured surface and pat into a 7-8 inch circle about 3/4 inch thick. Sprinkle with remaing 1 tbsp sugar. Use a sharp knife to cute into 8 triangles (like a pie), place on cookies sheet (preferably lined with a parchment paper), about 1 inch apart. Bake until golden, about 15-17 minutes. Cool for 5 minutes and enjoy!

electronic meat.

2010-09-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

Saw Electronic Meat tonight...pretty fantastic. Check out there show dates and music here... http://www.facebook.com/electronicmeat?ref=ts

moments from a summer road trip.

2010-09-16T22:08:00.001-07:00

A few moments from my 21st birthday trip up the coast to Spokane with Kori and Elise, and then a visit to the Clarksons in Colorado...

ode to mothers.

2010-09-15T15:33:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd share a story of the cutest, most lovable..albeit craziest, and most energetic kids. First, Calvin shoves something (yet undecided) down that vent thing they have and I couldn't see it, let alone retrieve it. Secondly, we jumped on the trampoline...all. day. long. and, being the good Narnian Aslan I was, with them on my backs at times. Thirdly, while giving the boys a bath, Thompson sat on the countertop and waited for her turn. I heard a crash and next thing I know, glass was all over the counter, into the bathtub and onto the floor. I did a rescue bath evacuation and shooed the kids out so I could clean up the mess. While thus occupied, a naked little Owen and freshly pajama-ed little Calvin find the sponge paints. Yes...the sponge paints. I caught them just in time to spare their torsos, although Calvin's white pajamas took a hit with a black sharpie. Then, I found poor Thompson crying in bed over breaking the vase... the "special" vase.
"Why is it special Thompson?"
"It's...ittt's.. the vaa*se *gasp* wee...hold our floooooowweers in!!!!!! ah...*gulp*"
Yes, Thompson, that one was way more important than the vases you don't hold flowers in.
And then Taylore walks in right after I get everything cleaned, sans the boys painted hands. I explain the night, and she gives me a sweet, understanding, hug...what a darling...that's all I can say.

one night...it happened.

2010-09-15T00:13:00.000-07:00

After a day of Schubert, a geographical sign language lesson with the best teacher (Sandon Larson), and baby sitting Owen and Calvin, while watching them explore our house for the first time, turn my wrapping paper into light sabers and my backyard into a Narnian sea, Shelby and Rebecca came over to watch the dearest most charming movie, It Happened One Night. Goood day.

kellie.

2010-09-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

My beautiful friend Kellie...I thought this was too lovely not to share.

beautiful knots.

2010-09-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those days where I am in deep self interrogation, just short of self deprecation. Just as I feel like there's no other way I can possibly accomplish things better, communicate clearer, or love people dearer, I hit a knot...a huge knot of soul-questioning and an awkward guilt. Although highly unpleasant, confusing, and mind reeling I have concluded that knots keep me maturing, keep me digesting, and thinking...keep me alive. Knots are good for identifying just how little I know, just how dependent I really am, and for highlighting areas of sin that, if I had continued to plod thinly and weakly along as a string, would have been dead and numb to seeing. They negate me from getting too settled in my limited understanding or apathetic way of loving, and identify my status of fleshly versus Spirit led living. When I hit a knot, I'm coming to learn that it doesn't mean there is something wrong with me, it means the gears in my soul are awake and doing their job at making me aware of my needs and shortcomings. Therefore, I thank you beautiful knots, thank you revealing confusion for sparing my soul once again. That's all dearlings.

touch.

2010-08-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

So often today touch is misconstrued, abused, or ignored entirely. These past couple weeks, when out with my girl friends, I so desired to walk as they would in a Jane Austen novel, arm in arm, or arms around each others' waists. But, alas, the world doesn't allow for that anymore. Assumptions are made and they have instantly robbed us of the comfort and propriety of that expression of affection. Last night I was telling my beautiful six year old cousin, Camila, a story. We were laying on the carpet cuddling and laughing in glee, our faces about three inches apart. As I stared into her luminous brown eyes, and she stared in mine, I realized that I never get that close to anyone...I always feel too exposed, too vulnerable, as if they could see every blemish, or they'd somehow misunderstand what my eyes tell them. As I went on about an endangered patch of singing flowers, and artists who draw magical worlds with their fingers in the sky, she tenderly played with my eyelashes, twirled my hair around her fingers and tucked it gently behind my ears, kissed my cheeks and squeezed them at the dimples when I laughed, and brushed her nose against mine in a sweet eskimo kiss. She was innocently and joyfully playing with the most personable aspect of my physical self...which made me feel incandescently adored. I stared at her unabashed and trusted she would have an unbiased opinion of my beauty. It reminded me just how much I love and long for closeness and touch, how much I love my precious Camila, and how much I love the pure affection of children in general.

thrift store finds.

2010-07-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks I have been hunting in the wells of the past...I thought I'd share my joyous finds.

when sarah came.

2010-07-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

This post is a little old, but here it is anyway. A couple weeks ago, Sarah Clarkson came to visit for a few days. One of the days, her and I took the ferry to Balboa Island, ate at a little Italian restaurant, split a delicious Balboa bar, and perused around the quaint little beach houses, critiquing them endlessly. As we walked along, our hearts huddled around the subjects of our futures, our plans, God's will, and the overall splendor of life and our ideals in it. It is so good to have like minded little souls in the world with whom you can muse about your own humble discoveries and reinforce them. We ended the afternoon at Crystal Cove just sitting and exfoliating our skin in the sand. What a lovely person Sarah is! I love her so dearly. God is good for giving us such a beautiful time.

everlasting moments.

2010-07-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

If ever you wanted to watch a film that causes your heart to kindle, your mind to stretch, and your senses to be enriched to overflowing...Everlasting Moments must be added to your film repertoire. Taking place in Sweden, in 1907, a poor woman is torn between leaving her adulterous, alcoholic husband, or staying with him for the sake of her commitment and children. Amidst her struggle she discovers an old camera, befriends the kind man at the photograph shop, and begins to embrace her unique gift of seeing and capturing the simplistic beauties and events in her life, her endearing children being the greatest. I felt like I hadn't merely watched a movie, but had actually entered her life and spent those years growing with her decisions, heartbreaks, pains, and joys. It was so deep, moving, and beautiful...

we painted ourselves.

2010-07-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

Elise always wanted to have a painted face shoot...so we did and it was superb.

Friendship.

2010-07-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

When Sarah Clarkson came to visit, we were talking about the movie Nicholas Nickleby how much we both liked it (and how much both our mothers didn't...hee hee). So I watched it last night and was struck with the bond Nicholas and Smike shared. There is one line where Smike says, "You are my family. Please take me with you. I will be your loving and devoted servant, I really will. All I want is to be near you." And Nicholas replies, "From now on the world will deal with you as it does with me and no words of parting will you hear from my lips." And then at the end of the movie the closing line is, "So it is to be concluded that family is not merely those who share blood, but those who are willing to give their blood for the sake of the other." My Dad looked over and asked me what happened to those kind of friendships. I think we've lost them because friendships are no longer commitments, a commitment that used to be as important, albeit different, as marriage. You used to bind yourself to people, a bind that could not be so easily broken with the petty circumstances that often break relationships today. After the movie I searched my heart to see if I have committed myself to my friends, if I was a fair weathered friend or a faithful true one. I realized that all my binding glue for relationships is founded in Christ and as long as I sought Him, He would give me the strength and grace to remain faithful, true, encouraging, supportive, forgiving, and loving, even if I wouldn't myself. Then I felt such a hopeful freedom that I never would have to trust in myself for that which I can not provide and will quickly run out, but that it is in the blood bond with Christ that holds all my other friendships together.

Electronic Meat-Paris

2010-06-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

My friend is in a brilliant band and I thought I'd share one of their songs...

Uncle John.

2010-06-19T23:17:00.001-07:00

Today we had a memorial service for our dear friend (and adopted uncle) John Watson. It has been a haze this past week and a half since we discovered he was found dead in his apartment and, a day later as more was revealed, that he was murdered. His life was brutally taken...for his money. Surrealism, a sinking aching in my heart, and great lose envelope my little soul (and the souls of my family). Death is very strange. It is the most potent reminder of sin, and the most vivid provocation of the status of our security. Gone-ness can only be described as the feeling of depravity...the feeling of defeat. Praise be to Jesus Christ who defeated this discouraging hopelessness.

His lovely sister and brother in law came out from Europe (where all his family lives), and we had the privilege of meeting them and helping them through their loss.

Uncle John, you will be missed...your laughter, your wit, your accent, the value you saw in people, your energetic excitement, your appreciation for beauty, and your old blue tattered ski suit you used to wear (Dad wants to take it up with us when we go next year...) . May God's grace envelop you, and may you experience the unbounding joy of His presence. I only hope there are mountains and oceans for you to revel in.

Introducing Our First CHAIR...!

2010-05-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

So today was monumental! We purchased our FIRST piece of furniture for our new house (which I will write about when we finally sign the lease). A knit dark gray pillow will be just the thing to complete it. Seriously, I am so excited about a summer of collecting ahead...

Alex.

2010-05-23T00:09:00.001-07:00

I must admit a teared up a little when I was looking at old pictures of my brother. He turned sixteen last week, and it is crazy to watch the transformations that have taken place in his life! It seems like yesterday he was calling me "Anea" and saying things like "You best my buddy!" or "you scawed me hafe to deaf!" He was always running around, with his tattered blankets fluttering around his neck, chasing after the "bad guiz," that always seemed to attack our household in invisible ways. I remember growing up with the continuous "cling clangs" and "bang bangs" that would come from his room, when a full fledged battle was ensuing between his valiant action figures. Being the inventive creative children that we were, we were always making pulley systems across our street, building forts, constructing cars (or "pod racers") out of old refrigerator boxes, and embarking on plenty of adventurous romps in the hills near our house. He was so stinkin' CUTE when we were in the midst of an adventure! His eyes would grow big, he would shake with incredible excitement, and...grind his teeth :). Imaginative, heroic, creative, brave...and a defier of gravity (attempting upon multiple occasions to fly away in his buzz light year suit), that was (and still is) my little brother.

But amidst his thirst for adventure, bravery, and combating the evils of the world single handedly, he was always the most tender, sensitive, gracious, and conscientious of boys. He loved being cuddled, one on one time, and was always aware when people were sad. I remember multiple times where he'd lay his soft little hand on my mom or dad, or even (on occasion) us, his hen-pecking sisters, when in distress. He was known as the "ok" or "sure" boy as he most (hee hee) always carried a happy disposition in the obedience of tasks and general requests and he LOVED to make people happy. I never fully realized how gracious he truly was (and is) until recently, when I looked back on his little life and saw that he was always quick to forgive, make amends, and free me, and others, from our offenses. "That's ok Anea!" and we'd bolt off to play again.

He has grown all the more mature in these childhood traits, becoming a strong man of God, a defender of others and the truth, responsible and hard working, compassionate and forgiving, taller and TALLER, more humorous by the day, and so smart (smarter than me sometimes). He's even ok giving me a hug, or at least letting me "lean" on him. He is enjoyed by many, and even extends his friendship to the parents of his friends, in a very mature and confident, yet entertaining manner. He is a leader...a friend...and my favorite brother. The lady who wins his heart someday (way WAY in the future-day) will be lucky indeed! He doesn't call me "Anea" anymore, but has replaced one endearing term with another: "Ange"...I hope he calls me that forever.

All that to say, I can not imagine our family without him! He brings so much humor, fun, adventure, sincerity, and love into our lives and I am so proud of him. Now that my eyes are sufficiently dewy, Happy Birthday dearest of brothers! I love you with all my heart and can't wait to see what adventure the Lord sweeps you up on.

Mrs. Baranov

2010-05-15T21:33:00.001-07:00

Today was my last lesson of the year from my dear Mrs. Baranov. Due to her great illness, I drove to her today in Santa Monica for my lesson. Although it was an exceptionally long drive, it was so good to see her, give her a farewell hug, and get her last little tid-bits of input before juries. It was also enlightening to see her charming, artful, oceanside home. She is such a beautiful, energetic, spunky, endearing little Russian and I adore her. Till autumn, Mrs. Baranov!

p.s. thank you for the pleasant *cough* little assignment for me to work on next semester. Chopin's Scherzo #2 is going to be a real breeze.

splendid today...why did you end?

2010-04-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Today was splendid...simply splendid. It was one of those days those indie girls who eat sorbet and cheese everyday and travel to Paris for the weekends experience. Alright maybe not that exotic but still...

Katherine and I decided to get away today, try a new coffee shop, and toddle about in Fullerton. After our failed attempt at dining in McClains (something about a "cash only" sign we saw a good seven minutes after perusing the selections), we went to our original, but slightly more pricey, choice...

Lets just say it was the right one and that that "cash only" sign fell out of heaven to prevent us from partaking in such a sub-par experience. The Cafe Veronese is truly the eclectic haven, run by Koreans, dubbed French, with mix-matched furniture and art everywhere, and crazy plants flowing out over your very heads as you ate. It was originally a house that was turned into a cafe, and I believe the owners live upstairs. It was quite charming and just kept on producing more little nooks and corners as we kept on exploring the garden.

I loved this shed/room! Random scraps of art and notes were pinned all over the walls, with low tables and cozy arm chairs for studying.

The food was pricey, but so delightful, and I could not get over the fact that they brought me my fruppiccino in a JAR...too good. It was perhaps the most carmelicious thing I have ever had.

After our delightful dining experience, we galavanted up the street stopping at a thrift store (with great success) and antique stores. This one antique store we went to (I forgot the name...and yet somehow I feel as though they are all simply called 'Antique Store') was so inspiring. Usually antique store shopping involves you becoming quickly overwhelmed with a bunch of old stuff that probably shouldn't be around anymore, let alone sold for $200, and, after a while, all looks the same. But this place was so useful, and the owner was so adorable! The store had hundreds of old post cards, beautiful jewelry, old pencil tins, adorable compact mirrors, and kitchen utensils. I could not get enough of this little jar with a strange lid that crushed nuts . Of course it had little roses painted on it...I mean come on! What's the good in a peanut cruncher without the roses, people?! Once we got in the car to leave, we looked at each other and said, "we're coming here every week"...and i really hope we do.

The night ended with a concert featuring Menaham Pressler, one of the greatest pianists in the world, alongside our superb faculty, in a riveting, chamber music experience. I was swimming through everything...

Could the day have been any better? I don't think so. Three cheers for simplistic pleasures that pepper life with joy and a kindred friend to experience them with.

katie, calamari, and hagen daz bars

2010-04-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, Shelby, Erica and I drove down to meet Katie at Balboa for dinner. It was tonic to my missing-Katie heart. How wonderful and refreshing it was to spend the evening with someone who is so thoroughly embedded in my childhood memories. Not only was it good to see her, but it was wonderful visiting Balboa again, a memory bearer for sure. As we slowly made our way up the boardwalk of the Island, enraptured by the sailboats, quietly lapping waves, and breezy New England-esque houses on the waterfront, I was so full of contentment, as the girls chattered on. We ate at a romantic Italian restaurant, split a few dishes, caught up on on everyone's life, and ended the night in the Stater Brother's parking lot, cuddled in the car, with Hagen Daaz bars. It was a breath of the past and quite lovely, really.

Snippets...

2010-02-27T23:48:00.001-08:00

Home. Why is it so glorious? There is something so enriching and comforting about it. I had an extended weekend from school, due to some class cancellations, so I drove up Thursday night to spend it with my mom. The boys were in a hustle when I arrived, packing and collecting all of the traditional necessities for our yearly Lake Tahoe skiing expedition. Due to school, and Mom's new job, they were left to themselves (and Uncle John) for a weekend of manly adventures and daring stories, that I'm sure they'll later share with pride. Although I was sad I would be missing out on some endearing traditions, I was excited for them and looked forward to a peaceful stay at home, an adventure in its own way.

I love my men so much! Dad was bright and loving as he always is, making faces of pride mixed with little boyish excitement, as I walked through the door, applying his goofy hand gestures of love as he enfolded me in his arms and held my hand as we ran around on errands. My brother is growing so fast, in more ways than height (whew!). He is so confident, interesting, and funny...not to mention handsome. As he left Friday morning he gave me two hugs goodbye (not just one), an activity he used to shrink away from not too long ago. I love his quirky style...a little bohemian mixed with classic vintage (stop watch on a chain anyone?), and, not forgetting, his staple basketball shorts.

Anyway, they're off on their adventure and I am home with mom. Each night I stayed up late and chatted with my dearest friend. Refreshing and enlightening conversations about everything from room mates, to living situations next year, to God and His unfathomable majesty, to my future spouse, to music, to children and jobs, filled the family room and little restaurants we toddled around to. Fellowshiping with her helps me recognize a lot of the reasons why I am who I am. I inherited her passion for giving, pursuing, planning, and special-ifying things. She is such a good friend, full of initiative and thoughtfulness. I guess I didn't realize how special her gifts truly were, assuming all people were naturally thoughtful, pursuing in their relationships, and demonstrative with their love, until, as I grow older with more perspective, I now witness the ways my mom has not always been pursued or recognized (not always ill intentioned). Now I am also faced with similiar situations where I find great delight in giving, pursuing, and filling others, until I get discouraged with the rarity of such idealistic fellowship in return. But God has used these experiences as a "refinement" time, and Mom told me she is comfortable and confident with being a pursuer and enjoying people on the different levels of their friendship with her, not expecting in return. Interestingly, I feel the same way. If our dependence of happiness and security lies on people's assurance of us, or return of our love, we are merely robbing ourselves of the joy we have by giving to them in the first place. Praise the Lord that He does not somehow leave us to find our own way of fulfillment, for then we really would be

hopeless, and that He provides all that we could possibly need or desire in Himself. Everything else is just the cream!

Today we went to the Corner Bakery Cafe (one of my favorite little places to eat), made a quick stop at the beautiful store Anthropologie, and then I introduced her to one of the most brilliant films of the year, The Young Victoria. I love this film! Everything about it is so enchanting...the wardrobe, music, cinematography, Victoria's vivacious, bold, character, and Albert's strong, supportive one. What enraptured me the most is it is one of the examples of a British monarch actually loving and remaining faithful to the one they married (with all of the adultery, brutally arranged marriages, divorces, and other such scandals that have occurred in English history). Her fervor for her country, and his selflessness in joining her in its service inspires me and makes me want to read her biography and learn more about her beautiful rise to power, love story, and reign. And the heavy dose of Schubert (my favorite composer) made it all the more enjoyable.

I must admit, though, as I witnessed the opulence of the queen's life in the palace, I found myself quite glad that I am not so difficulty satisfied. Having just purchased a couple packs of old, brown, lined paper for lists and such, for Katherine and me, (from Anthropologie) I don't think I could have been more delighted! Little things give me great joy...I don't think I'd trade that ability for all of Buckingham palace.

This post had a lot of little snippets of ideas in it and I'm hoping to write more. I am in the habit of waiting for profundity to fall upon me before I write a post, which has led to my blog's emptiness, and am coming to realize profundity lies in little moments of God breathed life. Tomorrow I embark on another adventure...name: tackling Grandma's explosive, out of place, house, and putting it back to beauty in its newly renovated rooms.

Farewell dearlings! Call someone, leave them a note, or give them a hug to let them know you love them. You will be surprised how much more joy you might feel than even they do.

p.s. As soon as I order a battery for my camera you will be seeing quite a bit of photography. I want to integrate not just food for the thought, but food for the eyes.

hello.

2009-09-21T00:21:00.001-07:00

My blog has been sitting empty for a while, and although I have begun several "rough drafts" to properly set the stage, all I really want to say is hello and welcome. Welcome to my cyber-space "sanctuary" (having just watched Limney Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events) within which you will find my testaments to this beautiful life and the Creator who brought it into existence.

As to the name, My Winged Roots, I felt it appropriate in light of the freedom I have in an ever binding faith. The same chains that tie me to the truth, liberate me in it. The same grace that bids me to pick up my cross and follow Him, bids me freedom from bondage. To serve Christ is to be free. And it is in pursuit of Him that I humbly present my questions, discoveries, and the notations of a heart that is being perfected.

Welcome to my blog!